In Happy Relationships There is an Openness to Work Together

In an earlier post I mentioned the work of researcher Dr. Gottman and his insights into personal relationships after having studied thousands of married couples for the past 35 years. This is another excerpt from an interview he gave in the Harvard Business Review which I find to be very true and very enlightening:

“…one test we’ve used for years is the “paper tower task.” We give couples a bunch of materials, such as newspaper, scissors, Scotch tape, and string. We tell them to go build a paper tower that is freestanding, strong, and beautiful, and they have half an hour to do it. Then we watch the way the couples work. It’s the very simple things that determine success.

One time we had three Australian couples do the task. Beforehand, we had the couples talk on tape about each other and about a major conflict in their relationship that they were trying to resolve. So we had some data about how relatively happy or unhappy they were. When one couple who came across as happy started building their paper tower, the man said, “So, how are we going to do this?” The woman replied, “You know, we can fold the paper, we can turn the paper, we can make structures out of the paper.” He said, “Really? Great.” It took them something like ten seconds to build a tower.

The wife in an unhappily married couple started by saying, “So how are we going to do this?” Her husband said, “Just a minute, can you be quiet while I figure out the design?” It
didn’t take much time to see that this couple would run into some difficulties down the line.”

I Love You

What is love? Most of us feel it – or have felt it – and yet, what we think of as love and what is true love might not be the same thing. In fact, they may even be complete opposites.

At its core, when we refer to love, it is often rooted in self-love. This can be clarified with a parable. A man walks into a restaurant. The waiter asks him what he would like, and he responds, “I love fish!” Naturally, the choicest fish is filleted, cooked, and served up on a nice plate. The man then proceeds to chew and swallow the entire thing.

Is this how one treats something he loves?

The story sounds simple, and yet it reveals a profound lesson. For many of us, when we say, “I love you,” it is really the “I” that we love. We love what we get from people or things. They are all extensions of our ego’s selfishness.

Think about the many relationships in our lives. How many of them are focused on what we get rather than what we give? If we are honest with ourselves, then we will see that what we view as love is often seen in terms of what we receive from the relationship, be it emotional or physical. We love people who give to us, and we view loving relationships as ones in which our friends and spouses give us something. And while it is true that in any relationship one needs to be receiving, it cannot be solely based on that.

The more important basis of a relationship is giving.

Kabbalistically, a true relationship is when one enjoys the sharing more than the receiving. That’s true love. This means that my love for another person awakens within me a greater joy of giving to rather than receiving from them. True love is when my connection towards another person - and the love I feel for that person - makes it as enjoyable and fulfilling to share with him or her as it is to receive from that person.

When viewed in this way, how many of our relationships are truly based on love for the other person where our desire to share is greater than our desire to receive?

This isn’t simply an interesting concept. It is also the key to a sustainable, growing relationship - one that’s destined to last. Life – and the blessings in our lives, including our relationships – is sustained by the Light of the Creator. The way to bring more of the Light into our relationships is to maintain constant appreciation and a desire to impart. This is what keeps our love alive and growing.

However, the opposite is true as well. Love founded on “what can I get?” will always crumble because it is not bringing in the Light of the Creator which can sustain it. When we work and focus our relationships on sharing more than receiving, we bring the Light into them so they can truly grow and last forever.

This week assess your relationships and decide which ones you want to make last. Now that you are clear on what the deciding forces are, put what you’ve learned into action by awakening a greater desire to find little and big ways to share with your spouse, lover, kids, siblings, and friends. Do this knowing it will bring the Light of the Creator into your loving bonds, thereby making them strong, sustainable, and ever-lasting.

Making Relationships Work

I came across this interesting interview in Harvard Business Review with the psychologist, John M. Gottman:

“Few people can tell us more about how to maintain good personal relationships than John M. Gottman, the executive director of the Relationship Research Institute. At the institute’s Family Research Laboratory—known as the Love Lab—Gottman has been studying marriage and divorce for the past 35 years. He has screened thousands of couples, interviewed them, and tracked their interactions over time.

He and his colleagues use video cameras, heart monitors, and other biofeedback equipment, measuring what goes on when couples experience moments of conflict and closeness. By mathematically analyzing the data, Gottman has generated hard scientific evidence on what makes good relationships.”

I find many of these ideas to be kabbalistic and would like to share a few of them with you over the next few posts. Here’s the overview of his philosophy - based on his many years of scientific research - as it is explained in the beginning of the article:

“Successful couples, he notes, look for ways to accentuate the positive. They try to say “yes” as often as possible. That doesn’t mean good relationships have no room for conflict. On the contrary, individuals in thriving relationships embrace conflict over personality differences as a way to work them through. Gottman adds that good relationships aren’t about clear communication—they’re about small moments of attachment and intimacy. It takes time and work to make such moments part of the fabric of everyday life.”